And the Beat Goes On

*Written orignally 10/24/07*




Beyond everything in my life right now, I am searching for some sense of balance. I just want to be happy. I don’t want all the crazy melodramatic nonsense that I've permitted to cloud my own judgment and perception of reality. I don’t want the life of excess that I had been living. I don’t want to be alone, but if being alone makes me happier than being together, so be it. I wont allow love-based or amicable relationships with condition attached regardless of what is professed to the contrary to dominate my being.


With all of that having been said, I have sight of exactly what it is I want. I have both the ambition and the drive to actualize it and I’m actualizing it all now even in writing this trivial entry. I have perspective regardless if others may not see it. I might be lazy at times, but not when it really matters. I have flaws and I’m willing to recognize them. I’m fixing the ones that I can and learning to accept the things that are beyond my control. The essence of my being in my own summation is strength and love. I will be sure to have more courage to make sure both of the aforementioned reverberate from within me and see to it that they are practiced supremely without deviation from now on.


I will love everyone regardless of situation. There is great wisdom in offering the other cheek, in facing malice and yet not to responding with the same. I've tried to explain with with not being able to extinguish a forest fire with a flame thrower. Any fool can follow a simple rule, but to live the rule is something else entirely.


I recognize that a person’s position in my life may very well be temporal, but true love is neither temporal nor transitory and I must never lose sight of that and thus I will love eternally. I will swallow my anger and sadness when falsely accused of malicious manipulation and deceit and transform that into understanding and forgiveness. I will seek to forgive and understand always, even when it is myself that needs to be forgiven and understood.


I will live my life with all the strength that I know myself to posses, headstrong and without fear. I will live life with a light heart because life is meant to be lived, not analyzed and scrutinized. I only ask to not be judged by the expectations of others. I am not accountable for your feelings. I have to live by my own rules and on my own terms because I am living for myself.


I will find love love when I find the one who loves me for my being. That sort of love be it a friendship or a partner is more that a fleeting feeling, but a longing to know deeper what it is that someone else truly is on all levels. Just as important as the longing to know, it is the acceptance of their humanity without the desire to alter it in any way. It's sort of like being caught up in the elegance of the book of their life and not being able to put it down. It's that book you've read so many times before and yet still plan to read again.


I am grateful for everything that has been done for me by everyone who is currently walking or has ever walked through life with me. With that being said and with having already accepted the fact that sometimes the people in your life can ever so easily be transitory, I must say that it is necessary on occasion to let slip away spiritually and emotionally harmful elements in your life. It is your responsibility and more importantly your duty to yourself since you must always love yourself most.


To apply physics to the situation minus the free body diagram, your life is going to head in the direction it is going unless action is taken to change it. It’s time to adjust my paradigm and circumstance. It’s time to reincarnate. I do so without fear and I’m not attempting to escape or contribute to the problem. I’m resolving it.


Peace be with you,

Nick

*Written originally 10/17/07


I’ve been in the way of looking for distractions lately. These distractions are obviously of no real importance and only detract from the things that ultimately matter in my life, but nonetheless distractions I have sought and many I have found. This is honestly just another one of those pesky little blights on my productivity because I could sure as hell be committing this time to something of substance, but I digress, yet again.




In case facebook’s newsfeed has failed to alarm any potential reader, I’m single. Again. Who would have ever thought that would come to be. Again. I would like to avoid beating a dead horse, but it was entirely my doing. Again. I’m starting to wonder if there is some issue there with me that I can’t let myself be happy with someone else or that perhaps it’s solely my choices in partners that sets me up for failure. It’s honestly some combination of lots of factors to be honest. I need to learn to love myself much more than I do. I know that. Regardless, I’m not going to use this or any other forum as a means to bash my ex. He, as far as I’m certain, was always faithful to me and loved me dearly. Thank you for that.



Other than letting go of a few things and needing to add some structure back to my life since I’ve been on hiatus in that department, my future’s so bright I have to wear shades.... I need to get back in touch with a few people since I’ve been pretty reclusive lately. I just needed to crawl back into my box to reorder my head. I’m ready to come out of the box though. It’s starting to smell in there.


*Nick*

Another year has passed.


I’m laying here in the floor of my bedroom of my first apartment, much the same as I was a year ago. The bed is taken down, disassembled into its parts as it was before simply because I was putting off getting it put together. I’ve been trying to recap the days of my life that separate that day from this one.

Life is a funny, funny little thing, for all the adventures and meanderings that it has to offer from one day to the next, once the dust begins to settle you still always have yourself. Whether it be with the warm golden rays of a summer sun beating down on you or with the rush and electricity of being caught out in a storm, life finds a way to weave t all these moments together into the most beautiful of tapestries. It becomes our story and it represents nothing at all of any great importance to anyone, but us. It tells the story of who we were then, who we are now, and helps us to understand how we have came to be this way. The individual strands disappear and run together producing this brilliance that is nothing more than our consciousness.
It seems like it is difficult to simply enjoy life while you’re living it. It’s much easier to be too caught up in the past and so often I find myself so eager for tomorrow to get here that I lose track of what’s important which is simply, right now. Each moment that we have been granted is such a blessing in and of itself, I need to learn to better appreciate each day and live it to the fullest of my being.

I got tired of being sad. What good is feeling unhappy? Not just simply being upset or disappointed, but complete and total unwillingness to allow myself to feel contentment. It’s like flipping on the light, but refusing to open your eyes to see. There is a big difference between just being full of angst or feeling upset and being depressed. I don’t even like the term, “depressed,” because to me it just doesn’t seem to describe the situation well at all. Sure, you’re not really happy although you may very well crack a smile or a joke, but over all , this malcontent isn't ‘depression’ per se rather it's detachment. Detachment, at least to me, seems to be a better descriptor for what we call depression. Rather I feel as though it’s detachment from mind, life, love, friends, family, and spirit. However, as I have said, I got tired of it and fixed it. That’s all it took. For as magical as it felt once I had reconnected with my spirit, I simply decided to move on. I’ll never forget that.

Relationships, they come and they go. People pass in and out of others lives adding a little flare here and there, perhaps a sidebar or two. The trick is not to let them rule you. When two lives meet, even if just for a short moment, there is always some lesson to be learned or reaffirmed. Some people can’t find a partner and some can’t see living without one, then there are those that have elected to not want one. I learned, that I am all that I need. As Margaret Cho said, “I’m the one that I want.” I learned to be happy by myself. Without whoring and without being glued to someone else, I have learned that I can be happy with just me. Granted, I also learned that I can be happy with someone else. So if there is someone in my life that makes me happy enough being with them, then so be it, I’ll be with them, however, if there isn’t anyone there then I’ll be happy too by just being me and loving every minute of it.

Also, if nothing else, god is love so that it is only through really learning to let ourselves love, that we may ever hope to know god.

All in all I’d have to say that it has been a productive and grounding year. I’ve got myself into decent shape and I’m working on getting myself into better shape. I’ve found my niche in school. Have the most amazing friends that life could offer, love so many wonder people, a budding relationship, and above all else I feel content with where I am today. I might like to get drunk and put on some eyeliner and bitch, you had best hide the glitter if you know what is good for you. I like to shop get my hair done, and a good mani or pedi can help soothe even the most rotten of days. I also like to go out on the four-wheeler and get dirty, play a good round of football or ultimate Frisbee or just sit and read. Then there is almost nothing better than a cookout with good friends and cheap beer on the front porch under the sun. Yeah, life is pretty much the most amazing then ever.

I can’t help, but think that the aforementioned quote must be somehow wrong. What a dreary world that would be if our journey was complete upon finding someone. I for one hope my journey never ends, though I hope I meet my lover along the way and he can come too.

I have been working on my life as I think I mentioned before, getting some things in order, tying up some loose ends, and finally making right some wrongs. I’ve long since stopped entertaining the idea of perfection and finally realized that it is okay to make a few mistakes and slips along the way. It’s fine. You just have to develop that rubber skin, so you can bounce right back.

School is going great right now. I got the most amazing summer job as a ropes instructor at 4-H camp for the summer, I love going out, going to the gym, just being outside and enjoying life. I get up in the morning whether or not I have any reason to, and I love my friends and there are so many wonderful people in my life that I truly feel undeserving sometimes.

I’ve met someone, though I’ve not known him long, day by day he is making me want something that I haven’t really wanted in a long time. He’s by far the sweetest and most caring man I’ve ever hand step into the romantic arena of my life. Completely adorable, gorgeous, and he has eyes that make me melt. So, if luck is on my side perhaps it will become something even more wonderful than it already feels.

     I'm sick of seeing hearted shaped balloons that I don't get, candy and chocolates that  this low carb bullshit wouldn't allow me to eat anyway, and lovey dovey smushy messages left for people that aren't me. So fuck Valentine's Day and Hallmark for promoting  this nonsense. I know I would be bitter today, but at least I'm not militantly anti-Valentine's Day, although it has crossed my mind.

The group "Legalize Methamphetamine" on facebook got under my skin to I had to join so I could make this addition to their discussions...

"I hate to burst your bubble…

Okay I am going to systematically destroy your claims that methamphetamine has any positive use outside of the realm of healthcare. In essence methamphetamine is a schedule II drug in the US meaning it has some medicinal use, but is a highly addictive controlled substance.

Methamphetamine causes an intense feeling of Euphoria because it does in fact act on the body’s internal reward mechanisms making it one of the most addictive substances you can put into your body due to psychological dependence as well as physical dependence which can be noted in long time users. Meth, causes a surge of the chemicals norepinephrine, Dopamine, and Serotonin in the brain resulting in an intense overall good feeling about life as well as a surge in energy. While in the proper amounts these chemicals are good, rather they are needed to maintain normal day to day functions. Meth however binds and blocks reuptake sites for serotonin and dopamine located on axon terminals of neurons, in essence removing the body’s ability to manage the amounts of these chemicals between neural synapses. It also binds to a chemical located within the neuron called monoamine oxidase which is intended to breakdown monoamines such as dopamine and serotonin and norepinephrine in essence removing the body’s ability to get rid of excess amounts of these chemicals. This makes methamphetamine the perfect addictive substance, because it utilizes the body’s own reward system and removes the checks and balances put in place to prevent it.
The resulting “euphoric” state characterized by excess amounts of energy is nothing more than a play on neurotransmitters. All of this would be fine if it were needed, but only if the chemicals were at a normal controlled level. There are even medications that do the same thing these are known as Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors (MAOI’s Marplan or Aurorix) Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI’s i.e. Zoloft or Paxil) as well several other reuptake inhibiting classes of medications meant to control various different combinations of the three monoamines in question.
The dangers of Methamphetamine come into play with the resulting because one becomes dependant on these high levels of neurotransmitters and doesn’t want to come down resulting in the inevitable amphetamine binge, usually until all amphetamines are gone, then a come down resulting in a depression that can last days or weeks depending on the individual from the lack of these neurotransmitters. In the short run it is easy to get over, but in the long run for chronic users it has been shown that they may permanently need to be on some form of anti-depressant in order to maintain normal levels of neurotransmitters. As far as methamphetamine making you smarter, the contrary is true. Meth actually causes damage to the brain in certain regions due to abnormally high levels of dopamine which damage neurons.
The other side effects of methamphetamine are notable too. The typical decay and breakdown of teeth that can be seen isn’t due to any caustic properties of meth, but rather due to xerostomia (dry mouth) induced by the drug, enabling acid producing bacteria to appear at prolific rates as well as the fact that many meth users will go extended periods of time with poor hygiene.
Methamphetamine also causes hypertension ( high blood pressure) and tachycardia (rapid heart rate) which can be dangerous, if not deadly to people who already suffer from these conditions. Formication (sensation of crawling i.e. bugs on the skin) also results in the presence of skin sores and lesions. Chronic use can also result in a condition known as “amphetamine psychosis” in which increased levels of dopamine and serotonin result in delusional, hallucinogenic, and aggressive behavior.
The exhibited increase in sexual activity associated with methamphetamine is also notable. There is a direct and strong correlation between amphetamine abuse and STI’s. In fact approxiamately 25% or more of meth users are thought to be HIV positive. While HIV is the only infection closely studied with Meth users it is logical to implicate an increased number of all STI’s with the drug since it lowers the user’s sense of self-responsibility as well as causes an increased feeling of invincibility. The chronic user will also develop what is known as “crystal dick” or “chrystal cock” which is nothing more than erectile dysfunction. Sores and lesions on the sexual organs of meth users are also common due to the need for repetitive motion and the inability to achieve orgasm for hours at a time. This increased libido has made meth a choice drug and a plague for homosexual communities across the country, especially so when coupled with the already increased risk of these individuals to contract HIV, HCV, and other STI’s. The injecting of Meth has stemmed off since the 1950’s and 1960’s when it was commonplace otherwise it would further increase the prolific rate of infection due to needle sharing.
In essence Methamphetamine along with all other amphetamines including cocaine (vasoconstrictor and anesthetic used in surgeries especially of the nasal cavity) adderall, desoxyn, and many others have a medical purpose when used properly. The illicit use of these substances for recreational use is however dangerous and in short a recipe for disaster ruining lives and breaking apart communities the world over. Relapse is common and the overall outlook for someone who has used the drug for extended periods of time is bleak. So in short, you’re a crack head, and you’re wrong… "

I had this moment today at work where for the first time in a long time I felt so incredibly wonderful. It was nice. I wrote the following bit on a scrap of paper in labcoat at ZLB because I had to get it out. Have you ever felt so good for no reason that there were tears in your eyes? I have never been one to needlessly tout my spirituality in a public arena because it is so very personal to me, but this is one occasion where I will share. I don't know if it marks some sort of turn in my depression. I hope so, because I wanted to fall to my knees. It was like I felt my spirit returning to me after I had shut it out for so long.

"I feel it from every ounce of my being, resounding forth, erupting, vibrant, beautiful, pure, bursting in endless number of microcosmic explosions radiating from within and permeating me from outside. It is evident from the crack of my smile, to the brown of my eyes, to the curl of my hair, with the steadiness of my heart and felt in the depths of my soul. I invoke it from the golden honey rays showered down from the heavens upon my skin. I see it in the slumbering trees eagerly awaiting the renaissance of life in the wheel of seasons. It is there. It is there in the laughter of children, in the cry of the babe, and in the scowls of those most wretched. In all its complexity and strength it is really quite a simple notion. It is intertwined and weaved throughout all. It is life! It is love! Hallelujah it is there! It is the spirit that dwells within all things, that distinguishes all things, that unites all. It is GOD. It is Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Brigit, Diana, and by names innumerable to count. It is you, it is me, and it is Uncle Joe. The spirit of the divine resides within all things. It is in my opinion most evident to see in the eyes of a mother; compassion and love endow them with beauty and strength unimaginable. Yet it must not be forgotten that this same spirit inhabits us all. We are all children of god. We are made of the divine and the divine is us; we are not separate from this, but a part of this. So we must love each other, even those whom it would be easier to hate. You must love your brother and your sister as well as your enemy for they too are fashioned of god. Love, just love, for god is pure and total love if nothing else so to be able to love is to be as god. Take the bitter cold malice of one who would do evil upon you and look deep into their eyes, see their soul and love them and take them by the hands, even as they would steal the life from you in that very same moment. We are all the same. All the fags, dykes, trannies and whores, priests, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, whites, blacks, yellows, with polka dots or sprinkles on top. We are all possessing of this energy that is life, love which is ultimately and simultaneously god. Therefore, do not give way to despair. Feel god within you. Harness the strength of your inheritance and push back the temptation to let yourself become distant from this love which is most holy. Take god in with every breath. Let your spirit be whole and at peace. Above all things never forget to love."

“I am sick, I am sick sick sick of your shit, and when I’m not sick, I’m tired, I am sick and tired,” so said Wanda Sykes to Jane Fonda in the movie Monster-in-Law. This line struck me the first time that I heard it and I’ve enjoyed it ever since. As of late I’ve started to apply the general theme to my own life in the sense that I’m tired of my own shit. God I hate “whiners” and lately I’ve felt like such a damn whiner. Poor poor pitiful me. Blah blahdy fucking blah. I’m over it.

Maya Angelou said, “If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it change your attitude. Don’t complain.” Ironically, I made an image Maya Angelou with that famous quote superimposed on it my wall paper on my laptop several weeks ago. I just did it because I liked it and didn’t really account for the significance that it may play in my own life. Perhaps, it was just a simple cry for help from deep down and now I’ve chosen to acknowledge it as having validity in my own life. I suppose that it is just as likely a gigantic coincidence that the background I chose for my computer currently pertains to my current mood. In either case, it made me smile and take notice which is the real issue of importance.

In a nut shell I think I’m tired of selling myself and my life short. There is nothing I can’t accomplish if I want it badly enough. So focusing on what has gone wrong rather that what I can do to make it right and get there is just self-defeating and fueling my “depression” Sometimes I question if I really do have a biochemical need for my SSRI. I mean maybe my depression is just a symptom of being a whiny bitch?

I'm going to go ahead and say that aside from life, the only meaningful thing my father gave to me was high blood pressure.

Today during lunch while I was walking past the student center the overly evangelical preacher damned me to hell and in all honesty it felt good. I have most always held my cool when confronted with the evangelistic Christian type allowing them to espouse their beliefs with the divine knowledge that they are absolutely correct and without flaw because a book of fables tells them that this is the perfect word of god and that they must force the savage and worthless heathens to accept their dogma as their own or face eternal damnation and hellfire. I can most usually handle it. Honest I can deal, but today was not the day to try to force me to listen to anything of the like.


I was simply walking by, smoking my Marlboro No. 72 and trying to figure out how well I had done on Madame Fults quiz which I had finished a few minutes prior in class when this half crazed man who in any other situation would be mistaken for someone with a severe mental illness or a street person walked up to me and began yelling, “ well well we have a smoker, what does the bible say about…”. I’ve seen people be placed on anti-psychotics for having exhibited much less irrational behavior.


This man had me confused if he thought for one second that I was going to idly sit by and allow him to lecture me about the “evils” of my life without my approval or consent. I could just have easily lectured him about how “wrong” he was living his life, but since I try to remain fairly relative on moral/social/religious issues by realizing that there is a “rainbow” of diversity within the world and each is entitled to their own view as am I. However, this man encroached into my life and my comfort zone. I will reiterate that he had me confused.


Before he had finished his sentence, in front of a crowd of several hundred herding down the riot stairs towards the student center and ultimately towards Chick-Fil-A, with no one I knew as back-up or to comfort or protect me, and without hesitation (or thought) I shouted back across the walkway, “And I suck dick too, where does that get me?” The amount of rage that welled up in this man’s eyes was something unbeknownst to someone that I would consider a man of god. In fact I saw no trace of grace within him, just hatred for someone who dared challenge his “authority” He also pointed me out as homosexual from across the courtyard several times during the day.


The crowd erupted in laughter and I received several “good jobs” and “ thank yous” from fellow students. I can’t help however have mixed feeling about this incident though because I responded instantaneously in the heat of the moment. I could have just as easily stood toe to toe with this man and argued and discussed many issues none of which either of us would be willing to concede our views on because he would use faith and I would use logic and I think it is impossible to argue with that combination of tactics. I could have simply remained silent and ignored him, but no I chose to make myself heard, and I did. I’m not afraid anymore.

I feel these four walls closing in

Face up against the glass

I'm looking out, hmmm

Is this my life I'm wondering

It happened so fast

How do I turn this thing around

Is this the bed I chose to make

There's greener pastures I'm thinking about

Hmm, wide open spaces far away


All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but not feel scared


wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to

I wanna run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses, oh


whoahh Yeah, oh oh, ye-yeah


I see the girl I wanna be

Riding bare-back, care-free

Along the shore

If only that someone was me

Jumping head-first, head-long

Without a thought

To act and DAMN the consequence

How I wish it could be that easy

But fear surrounds me like a fence

I wanna break free


All I want is the wind in my hair

To face my fear, but not feel scared


Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to

I wanna run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses, oh


I wanna run too

Oooh oh oh oh

Recklessly abandoning myself before you

I wanna open up my heart

Tell him how I feel,


Oooh oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to

I wanna run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses


Ooh ooooh ooh ooh ye-yeah yeah oohh

I wanna run with the wild horses, ooooh

So I question whether or not I am in the position for another relationship. Right now, I am single and doing as I please. I like the freedom although it can get lonely sometimes, but when I am ready to be with someone again I will be it’s not like I am having any problem finding suitors, just none that suit me. I also don’t understand why people like to talk about things that do not concern them or spread information that they had been privileged to especially when those who spread it and then those who further senseless gossip either have no room to talk personally or need to lighten up and not be such prudes about life. So maybe jon doe sleeps around or jane doe might just get a little freaky between the sheets (or out of them hehe) It matters not to anyone but them and the people they fuck… Personally when I am single if I get the urge to sleep with someone and they want to sleep with me then I have no moral opposition to it nor would I feel bad about it even if I know that it will go no further than this one night SO long as it's safe. Some people may be sluts and some people may be whores, but I'd rather be Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) any day than Tina on the corner... Everyone's moral compass points a different direction so please don't judge or expect others to follow in the same direction as your own... Learned that lesson already... Don't hate!

1) I have been going to YMCA on High Street for a few weeks now as part of my daily routine I try to do the elliptical Machine for about an hour which I am used to now and could do more, but for some reason running a few laps around my apartment complex just killed me. I think it's the impact because my ankles and feet hurt now. I broke a good sweat and it felt great!


2)I hate the fayette mall when it is crowded just because I always get behind the slowest people walking and some of them waddling down the main strip. I don't try to move along at a terribly fast pace, but I do like to get where I'm going. However, I tend to get stuck behind the slowest groups of people all sread outand in my way the whole way through Sears... So I should probably reiterate just how much I hate the Fayette Mall... Damn Abercrombie and American Eagle for being on opposite ends of the store from Hollister and Express Men!

So passive aggressive people just waste my time and their own... Be blunt and direct people it is SO much more effective!

This aint comin from no prophet

Just an ordinary man

When I close my eyes I see

The way this world shall be

When we all walk hand in hand


When the last child cries for a crust of bread

When the last man dies for just words that he said

When theres shelter over the poorest head

We shall be free


When the last thing we notice is the color of skin

And the first thing we look for is the beauty within

When the skies and the oceans are clean again

Then we shall be free


We shall be free

We shall be free

Stand straight, walk proud

cause we shall be free


When were free to love anyone we choose

When this worlds big enough for all different views

When we all can worship from our own kind of pew

Then we shall be free


We shall be free

We shall be free

Have a little faith

Hold out

cause we shall be free


And when money talks for the very last time

And nobody walks a step behind

When theres only one race and thats mankind

Then we shall be free


We shall be free

We shall be free

Stand straigt,

Walk proud,

Have a little faith,

Hold out

We shall be free


We shall be free

We shall be free

Stand straight,

Have a little faith

We shall be free


We shall be free

We shall be free

Sometimes I seriously think I just need a series of one night monogamies....

I like this guy( Taste the Rainbow )

So why has his coming out been broadcast of every form of mass media today? I mean for real. 104.5 the Cat was the worst. Every time the DJ came on earlier he was like, "for those who don't know, Lance Bass came out" hmm I personally don't care much. Good for him I guess though. Go Lance!

These are two of my favorite poems. Ever. ( Read For My Lover Returning to His Wife and The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbator )